


God Don't Leave Me

by orphan_account



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Internalized Homophobia, Lukas comes out, M/M, positive coming out reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 10:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8664223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lukas comes out. And clean. About everything. And then? What happens then?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cptbbarnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptbbarnes/gifts), [CarpeDiemForLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDiemForLife/gifts).



> i did not rate this bc i'm always insecure on how to rate smth  
> i hope you enjoy this and please leave me a comment and/or kudos, i much appreciate that
> 
> i gift this work to the extraordinary amazing Sophia and to Emma, who doesn't have an AO3 account but still needs to know that i gift that thing to her too. i also wanna thank you two for telling me to watch this show  
> i am also gifting this work to Jennica, thank you for being the amazing beta reader you are, i couldn't wish for a better one
> 
> title is God Don't Leave Me by Highasakite

Concern was downright written on Philip's face whenever he spotted Lukas. Just a week ago they'd witnessed the horrible incident in the cabin and Philip's worry line had increased dramatically since then. In fact - ever since then, Philip never stopped worrying about Lukas.

"Hey, man. Are you okay?" Philip kept his voice low. Lukas had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want the school to know that the two of them were more than just acquaintances and even though that hurt Philip - hurt him a lot - he respected Lukas's wishes.

"No, Philip. I'm not okay, not at all. I witnessed a triple homicide with the killer still on the loose, I have nightmares and no one to talk to about it," Lukas shushed him, slamming the locker door shut.

Philip's heart stung. He was used to that. Lukas hurting him wasn't something he'd never experienced before, and it always left him with this sting in his heart. "Yeah right," Philip answered, sarcastically. "I'm no one, I tend to forget that and give myself some credit every now and then. I wasn't there was well, I didn't witness the same thing, it didn't happen to me, I'm sorry. You know, I could just go and tell Helen, but I don't. I keep my mouth shut because Lukas fucking Waldenbeck is too scared to come out yet. So I don't talk about it. Because I see your angst. But don't you ever,  _ever_ act like I'm not experiencing the same shit you are."

"That's not what– Philip, I didn't mean it like  _that_."

A disappointed smile crossed Philip's face. "Lukas, that's what you always say and therefore exactly my point. You act without ever thinking about the consequences, you talk off the top of your head." Philip took a deep breath. He needed to get this straight. "I am always left behind hurt. And you know the saddest part about this? You've already hurt me, so much... I'm used to it."

Lukas searched the gazes of his classmates nervously and hated himself for it. He hated himself for always thinking about the others and what they would think about him. "Can't we talk about this after class?" On the rooftop?" Lukas tried to convince Philip with a smile, but it didn't work.

"I told you once and I have no problem telling you again: I'm not your little bitch. I'm done."

Philip wasn't done. At all. He was anything but done. Lukas's denial of his feelings for Philip, his  _fear_ of people knowing that he's into guys, both those things were a fate much worse than rejection. At least then he would've known that Lukas just wasn't interested. But Lukas was. Lukas  _is_.

Lukas apprehensively looked at his classmates again and then gazed longingly after Philip. He felt everything, all at once. He felt the fear that if he decided to go after Philip, he exposed that they were at a different stage of friendship than anyone knew. But he also felt that if he  _didn't_ make this right, Philip would never come back. They'd be done for good and Lukas didn't want that. He wanted anything but to be done with Philip. He didn't want them to end like this. He didn't want them to end  _at all_. So he took the last bit of courage left in his bones and–

"Please, Philip, wait."

"What do you  _want_ , Lukas?" Philip's voice cracked and he bit his lip, harshly dashing his tears away. "Do you wanna make fun of the gay, sissy foster kid that starts crying the minute some spoiled rich kid makes fun of him? Go ahead. It's just that I'm not crying because of that. It's because I have so many feelings for you that I'm still always there to support you. I'm still here, caring about you, after  _everything_ that you've done!"

Philip closed his eyes for a second before he was able to continue, louder than he intended. "Do you have  _any_ idea how much that hurts? To shove and shove aside these feelings I have for you, to try and help you, help you in any way possible, just to be pushed aside whenever one of your fucking classmates shows up? You stomp on my heart. You stomp and stomp on it and yet here I am, willingly handing it to you on a fucking silver plate."

 _Great, Shea. That's exactly how you wanted this to play out_. He'd exposed himself in front of everyone, showing Lukas how hard he already fell for him.

Lukas's eyes widened. For the first time, Philip had  _told_ him about his feelings. So Lukas decided to follow his gut feeling. He didn't think, didn't want to think, just wanted to kiss Philip. He pressed his lips onto Philip's.

That was not what Philip intended. He didn't want that, he didn't w–he wanted that.

They kissed like they were running out of air and the other's mouth was their respirator. Lukas breathed heavily against Philip's mouth and Philip clutched his hand into Lukas's neck, stroking the blonde's hair and they were kissing and kissing and ignoring the world, ignoring their problems.

Lips pressed against lips, nose touching nose. Lukas grasped his fingers into Philip's baseball shirt - the one he liked so much because Philip looked so good in it -  _I have to tell him that_ \- like he was drowning and Philip was his only rescue.

He felt Philip's tongue, Philip's teeth against his own tongue. Philip, Philip, Philip. Everything he felt was Philip.

They ended the kiss out of breath. Lukas realized he was holding Philip's hand, he must have clawed at it during their kiss and he smiled shyly. "This," Philip began, taking one big breath, "was not what I expected."

Lukas laughed. "Neither did I." He fumbled at Philip's fingers and Philip squeezed Lukas's hand slightly.

"Do you regret it?" Honestly, Philip didn't even want an answer to his question, but he felt the urge to ask anyway.

"I haven't– I don't know yet," he said.

He turned around to meet the faces of his classmates. Approximately twenty jaws had dropped. Especially Rose's and he was sorry, he was so sorry, because repeatedly he didn't think about the consequences of his actions. He looked back at Philip. "I–I have to talk to Rose. You just gave me a lecture on doing things without thinking and I did it again, and I–I–," Lukas shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

"Go. I'll be fine." Philip smiled, certain that his dopey smile made him look like an imbecile, and let go of Lukas's hand. He watched Lukas approach Rose. She wasn't standing with the rest of the crowd, but at its exterior. She tried to hide her tears, but wasn't very successful in doing so.

"Fuck off, Lukas. Please just leave me alone," she yelled and slapped Lukas's hand away from her upper arm. "And don't fucking touch me." Lukas turned his gaze towards Philip helplessly, but Philip just shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know how Lukas could make this right.

The school bell rang and everyone was startled, irritated that the break was already over. It was like time had frozen and now they were unwillingly torn back into reality. Slowly, everyone started to go back into the building except Rose and Lukas, who was still trying to talk to her.

Soft-footedly, Philip approached the scene, not sure how to react nor what to do. He just looked at Rose and felt incredibly sorry for her. "I–I–," he said, but cut himself off, looking at his shoes. An apology wasn't appropriate now. "I'll tell the teachers you two need another minute or two."

He wanted to touch Lukas's back, wanted to give him an encouraging nudge, but he passed and left. Lukas needed to do this alone.

Without him.

Philip anxiously waited for Lukas in front of the classroom for another minute and then joined the class. "I'm sorry, I–," he started but the teacher interrupted him.

"I know everything already, Philip. Sit down."

Philip gulped because of the harsh tone his teacher displayed and he sat down. He waited impatiently for Lukas and Rose to join the class, but they didn't show up. When the class finished, he exited the classroom quickly, but there was no way to avoid the whispering.

He didn't hear many swear words, and no words he wasn't used to being called, but he was scared for Lukas. He continued exiting as that class had been his last one for the day.

He found Lukas and Rose sitting on a bench off the beaten path, talking quietly.

"Rose, please just try and listen to me," Lukas asked as Rose was playing with her fingers, nervously cracking her knuckles. So they didn't really make progress.

"I don't know what you want to explain. You're gay. You betrayed me. You made me look ridiculous in front of the school and–" She stopped as she noticed Philip. "I can't do this when  _he's_ listening!"

Lukas turned around and an amorous smile instantly appeared on his face. "Philip, he said and stood up, before looking back at Rose. "Just a second, Rose. Please." He glanced at Philip again. "I'll text you, I promise. I need to work this out with Rose."

Philip nodded. "I'm not mad. Take as much time as you need. But make sure to tell your dad what happened today, right? You don't want him to find out from gossip."

Lukas stiffened and mumbled a "Right," then felt a kiss on his cheek. He was still smiling as he turned back to face Rose.

"I'm sorry," he repeated and Rose nodded.

"I know." Rose pointed next to her. "Sit. Let's talk. Her voice sounded much more conciliatory now. Lukas followed her instructions, brushing his hair out of his face.

"So, you sure you're gay?" Rose asked and Lukas nodded.

"I am," he acknowledged. "I like you. But..." He took a deep breath. "I never knew what to do, or how to act, it all felt so unnatural and when Philip showed up here, he caught me off guard. I really just wanted him to shoot some footage of me for my channel because, you know, he's good with cameras and all that stuff and the more we hung out, the more I realized it."

Rose sighed. "I noticed you were distant, but I blamed it on your competition. I should've noticed."

Lukas furrowed his brows. "No, you shouldn't blame yourself I–I don't..." He breathed heavily and let out an exhausted sigh. "I didn't want to be that guy."

"What guy?" Rose asked. "The guy that digs guys over girls?"

Lukas gave a nervous laugh. "You make it sound so unimportant."

"Because it is?" She squeezed Lukas's shoulder. "You should have just told me, Lukas."

Lukas buried his face in his hands. "I can't be that guy."

"Lukas, look at me," Rose demanded. "It's okay to be  _that guy_."

"You really think so?" he sniffed.

"Sure I do, Lukas. We're not in 1960 anymore." She gave him an encouraging smile and nudged his shoulder, then she stood up.

"I gotta go. Bet my mom's gonna be pretty mad I skipped class  _and_ come home late. Bye, Lukas." She left Lukas sitting on that bench, with him dwelling on some dismal thoughts.

His dad would never agr– He would never be happy about this. He just wanted to make him proud, for once. His dad was the only family he had left, after all.

Lukas breathed heavily.  _I have to tell him. Philip is worth it_. He got on his motorcycle and drove all the way to their farm.

He remembered driving his bike with Philip behind him for the first time. Firm fingers were gripping into his ribs tightly and the feeling of Philip so close to him made him nervous. He was always nervous around Philip. He always had a strong but enjoyable pain in his stomach, a good pain.

"Hi Dad," he greeted his father as he reached the farm and stopped his bike. "I have to talk to you." His voice was indistinct, which was caused both by his insecurity and that he was still wearing his helmet.

Bo turned around and looked at his son cautiously. "What did you do? Does it have anything to do with that Philip boy?"

After Lukas placed his helmet on the bike, he scraped together the last bit of courage he had left to answer. "Yes," he replied. "And no."

Bo furrowed his brows. "Speak up, son. We don't have that much time to waste."

Lukas let out a short, agonized breath. "I like Philip." He hadn't known that sentence would leave his lips so easily. He shuffled his feet in the dirt and waited for his father to reply. "I mean–"

Bo raised his hand. "Then what's your problem with him? Why are the two of you always getting into fights?"

"Because I like him as in I want–" Lukas looked at his father helplessly, not knowing how to properly verbalize his feelings. "I'm gay, Dad."

Bo held his breath. "You're–" he began, leaving the rest of his sentence unspoken.

Lukas nodded. "I understand. You don't want me to be that guy.  _I_ didn't want to be that guy, but I am. And I tried to change it, I tried to fight it, but I can't, and I just. I just am this way." He slowly turned around. "I'm gonna finish the rest of those signs," he said, fuzzy.

"Son," his father stopped him and nudged Lukas's shoulder. "I'm shocked, I admit. I didn't expect it, but if you like boys, then you do. At the end of the day, love is love and if you're happy, I'm happy."

Lukas felt his inner tenseness loosen in a second and let out a relieved sigh. "Are you serious?" Lukas said, suppressing a laughter. This was  _more_ than he ever thought he would hear.

"Yeah. So you  _like_ Philip?" His father asked, emphasizing on the liking part. Lukas nodded sheepishly.

"Yes, I do." The corners of Lukas's mouth twitched and he awkwardly bit his lip. "Can I get–" he began, but then just took a step forward to hug his father. He shouldn't have to ask to get a hug. And he didn't have to, Bo gladly and willingly tugged him into a hug.

They parted and Lukas still smiled thankfully. "I promise I'm gonna finish those signs. I swear. But before I do, I have a serious matter to fix. I'll be back soon." With that, he put on his helmet again and raced to the sheriff's station to tell the whole truth about the night in the cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if coming out's would always be so positive... i hope you enjoyed it and see you soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't have much to say, just enjoy this new chapter and thanks for all the kudos and the comments!! you're awesome <33

Lukas opened the door to the sheriff’s station out of breath and saw Tony sitting at his desk. “Tony, where’s Helen?” he asked, leaning against the counter. 

“Umm… she’s on a stroll. But I can call her. You can sit down there.”

Lukas nodded. “Tell her it’s urgent, please. Tell her it’s about the night in the cabin.”

Tony’s eyes widened, searching for Helen’s name in his contacts. It dialed for a short time, then Tony stood up and left the room, holding a hand over the speaker of his phone. “I’ll be right back, Lukas.”

Lukas tapped his feet on the ground nervously and played with his watch, waiting for Tony to come back. I’m doing this. This is the right thing. I just wish Philip would be here. He typed out a short message to him, telling him that he was about to tell Helen everything.

“Helen will be here soon.” Tony sat down at his desk and typed something into his computer. 

The door opened again and Philip entered, exhausted. “I came as fast as I could. Where’s Helen?” Philip asked, placing himself next to Lukas, caressing Lukas’s leg. Lukas clutched Philip’s hand tightly and intertwined his fingers with Philip’s. Tony observed the scene curiously.

“It’s going to be okay, Lukas. Have you talked to your dad?” Philip wanted to know, brushing Lukas’s hair out of his face. 

“I have. It’s… all good, surprisingly. He’s… very supportive. I didn’t think he would be.”

“Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough. What’s going on with you two?” Tony asked and they both winced.

“We’ll tell. When Helen’s here,” Philip stepped in for Lukas, who smiled gratefully. Tony pouted.

“There she is. Let’s go to the next room.”

Helen joined them and took her pad out of her pocket. “So, Lukas– “ She stopped, only then realizing that Philip was also in the room. “Philip, what are you doing here? This is a confidential interrogation; you can’t be here.”

Lukas clawed his fingers into Philip’s underarm, making him wince subtly. “I need him here.” Lukas straightened his back, his fingernails still clawing into Philip’s arm, leaving marks.

Lukas and Philip shared a meaningful look, leading to Philip taking over. “I was there that night. We– “ He paused and then continued. It was about time to come clean about everything. “We were together that night in the cabin. I was helping Lukas get some footage for his channel and after that we went to his father’s cabin to hang out together.”

Lukas smiled affirmatively. “We were... ” He took a deep breath before continuing. His lungs felt like they were about to collapse and his heart, his heart pounded so vigorously he thought it would jump out of his chest cavity any minute; he was sure they could all hear it. “...kissing. I heard a car approaching the cabin and I thought it was my dad, so I told Philip to get under the bed and I hid in the closet.”

Lukas looked down at his fingers. “I told Philip not to tell anyone because I was scared that everyone would find out that I’m gay and– ” The words were getting past his lips easier, the more he was saying them. “– that I’d fallen for Philip.” It was the first time he said it out loud, in a different way, in a more OK way than before.

Helen nodded, smiling briefly. “That makes sense,” she admitted, writing something down. She wanted to be happy for Philip, for settling in, for finding friends and falling in love. But betrayal like this, should she really just accept that he lied to her? 

She gulped and then looked back up again. “Lukas, do you think you can identify the shooter?”

Lukas bowed his head and finally let go of Philip’s arm. He looked at him apologetically. “I–I can. One of them said he was with the FBI, maybe that helps too?” Helen nodded, glad she was getting forward with the case.

“That’s good. That’s great, actually.” Helen caught a breath and alternated her gaze between Lukas and Philip. “I’m going to take you to Gabe now, Philip,” she said, voice sounding harsher than she intended and Philip lowered his gaze.

“I’m sorry, Helen. I didn’t mean to lie to you.” He stood up and squeezed Lukas’s hand, then followed Helen out of the room. 

Helen put the pad back in her pocket and dialed Gabe’s number off the top of her head. Philip heard them speaking indistinctly and feared the worst. As Helen ended the call, he raised his voice. “Are you going to send me away?” he asked shyly.

“I–” Helen stuttered and Philip closed his eyes, already thinking about the time he would spend in foster care. He gulped and bit the insides of his cheek.

“It’s okay, Helen. I understand.” He didn’t, actually, but what else should he say? It was their decision if they wanted him to stay and if Helen couldn’t trust him, there was no way he could stay.

“I’ll talk about it with Gabe this evening. I want you to stay at home, Lukas can come over if he wants.” Helen was trying to be reasonable. Besides Lukas being heavily closeted, they had experienced an extremely life changing event and hadn’t known how to react. Philip didn’t want to lie. His intention was always to tell Helen. She closed her eyes, breathing away the rush of anxiety flooding through her body. 

Philip left the station. Lukas had to stay and call his dad to go over his statement again, due to Lukas being underage, and Bo had to sign it.

Philip sat down on the bench in front of the building. Playing with his phone, he didn’t realize that Gabe had already arrived. “Hi, Philip,” Gabe said and Philip immediately got up.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’m causing you guys so much trouble. I’m so sorry I messed up your lives.” Philip’s voice was just a whipser. He was a broken teenager about to go back into the foster system. Gabe felt his heart break in two halves, seeing Philip’s sad empty eyes, almost expressionless. All of his foster siblings shared that same look on their face when they first came to his family.

He tugged Philip into a hug and Philip held onto it like he was holding onto dear life. His hand clutched at Gabe’s shirt, and he sobbed into the hollow of Gabe’s neck.

Philip was crying and he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling down, leaving Gabe’s shirt tear-stained. Gabe held him, saying nothing, rubbing Philip’s back. “It’s okay, Philip. You’re not messing up our lives.”

Philip snuffled and ended their hug. “Thanks, Gabe.” Gabe was always there. He was a bastion of calm, always trying to mediate between Philip and Helen, always understanding. 

“Let’s get you home,” and the way he emphasized the word home, it made Philip’s heart pound against his chest, gave him that good pain in his stomach, because yes, their home was his home. He hadn’t felt home like that for a long time and waking up to fresh homemade pancakes and cocoa– Gabe always made sure that Philip had something to come home to.

Philip got into the car and fastened his seat belt. “Do you remember that morning you drove to New York to pick me up at my mom’s?” Philip began slowly. Gabe nodded, twisting the wheel. “That was– It happened, the night before. I met up with Lukas after school to film some footage and–“ Philip stopped. There was this war in his head, battling over whether he should talk about it in more detail or if he should just shove it down a hole and never let it back up to the surface again.

“Philip, you don’t have to tell me,” Gabe said easily, with an encouraging smile. Philip shook his head; Gabe was right, he didn’t want to talk about it. Not yet, not ever again. He knew he probably would have to in front of the judge, but right now, he didn’t want to.

“You saved me,” he explained instead, shrugging his shoulders. “I was going to drown in the fear I had for my mom and coming here, seeing all this, it made me realize that all those endless times I spent on rooftops thinking, that’s freedom, it was all just an illusion. Seeing all this made me realize that I never was fully free in the city, that the skyscrapers were trapping me, that the city was strangling its arms around me.”

Philip played with his fingers. He wasn’t good with words, wasn’t good with expressing emotions, even though Lukas always gave him credit for it. “I felt like I didn’t fit in, wherever I went. I felt like I didn’t fit in New York, and for a while I felt like I didn’t fit into Tivoli either. Then Lukas came along and he changed that, changed my views of this small town. He engaged in conversations with me, he wanted to spend time with me. I felt good.” Philip smiled as he remembered it.

Gabe jerked the wheel around one last time and parked the car in front of their house. “And then whatever happened happened?” He locked the car and Philip followed him to the porch. Sitting down on the stairs, he buried his face in his hands.

“I miss my mom,” he said, changing the subject. He just missed her. He missed everything about her. He missed her messiness, he missed the way she always brushed his hair out of his face. He missed her hugs and her advice (even though it was crappy, sometimes. He never told her, though). Hell, he even missed her smell, even though she always smelled like cigarettes.

“Why don’t we ask the clinic if we can visit her tomorrow?” Gabe suggested. Philip’s face brightened up, before he realized they had to ask Helen too and his smile immediately fell.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he admitted. “I need Helen to trust me and I don’t think she can if I keep pushing her away.”

“Then why don’t we just call the clinic? Ask if you can talk to her on the phone?” Gabe asked and Philip shrugged his shoulders.

“Do you really think they’d let me?” Philip bit his lip and scratched his forehead. 

“Philip,” Gabe said softly, sitting down next to him, putting one arm around the boy. “I know Helen has been… uncomprehending about your mom. But I’m not. If you want to talk to her, go talk to her. We don’t need Helen to know, right?” He winked, eliciting a laugh from Philip.

“I thought you’re always honest about everything.”


	3. Chapter 3

Lukas came over exactly 47 minutes after they separated and as Gabe was opening the door and Philip was standing behind him feeling a little lost, he scooped around Gabe and pulled him into a hug. They were standing there for a few minutes, just hugging, breathing in each other’s scent.

Philip missed Lukas, even in the short time they weren’t actually together, he missed his sheer presence. Just the thought of Lukas being near him makes him feel safe, even though he threatened and punched and pushed him, he never once was really scared of Lukas. He has seen worse.

Lukas breathed in once more before he let go of Philip unwillingly. “Missed you,” he whispered into Philip’s ear and Philip’s mouth corners twitched in delight. He liked how outspoken Lukas was about his feelings.

They brought some space between each other, still not enough to look each other into the eyes properly but Lukas’s eyes lingered on Philip’s lips and he really wanted to have a taste of those lips. 

He almost lugged at him, sinking his lips onto Philip’s lips, breathless. Their lips were touching, their lips made for each other. Philip breathed heavily against Lukas’s mouth. Philip heard a door closing and startled apart. Lukas sneered, “I guess we scared him away.”

“Probably.” Philip grasped Lukas’s hand.  
“How was it with Helen and your dad?” They sat down next to each other on the couch in the living room, knees touching.

Lukas put his head in his back and sighed. “It was okay. He signed it, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. Helen wants us to come back tomorrow and try to identify the shooter.”

They both said nothing. “I’m scared, Philip.” And the way he says Philip makes Philip’s heart melt and he wants to kiss him again, wants to kiss him forever and not let go of him, wants to make sure nothing would ever happen to Lukas. “What if the killer finds out that there’s an eyewitness? I bet he’s–,“ Lukas left the rest of his sentence hanging. He didn’t have to finish; Philip knew what he was going to say. 

“I made some–,” Gabe entered the room and stopped mid-sentence, savoring this intimate moment between his foster son and his boyfriend. Gabe felt like he was preying some long needed privacy, and quietly left the room, setting aside the mugs.

Philip had his head pressed against the hollow of Lukas’s neck, petting Lukas’s side. “Helen will find him,” Philip tried to convince him, or maybe he said that to convince himself. He wanted to know if he could stay, if Helen would let him stay. Lukas didn’t know of that conversation he had with Helen. He didn’t tell Lukas because he didn’t want to agitate him. They were sitting next to each other in absolute quiet, thinking lovely thoughts. Looking to his right, he found Lukas fell asleep on him and smiled. He looked so peaceful, as if no harm has ever been done to this boy. He knew that it wasn’t so. He carefully slid to the side. He positioned Lukas on the couch so he wouldn’t wake up with pain in the back and covered him with a blanket.

He left the room soft-footedly and joined Gabe, who was getting the car ready for another boat trip the next day.

“Where’s Lukas?” Gabe asked as he noticed Philip.

“He fell asleep.” Philip leaned against Gabe’s car and studied Gabe attentional. 

“I’m sorry if I preyed on something private.” Gabe nudged Philip’s shoulder and tightened the rope around his boat. 

“You didn’t. And you don’t need to apologize. I’m glad you guys don’t have a problem with… that.” He scratched his neck and shuffled his feet in the dirt. 

“As long as you’re safe–,” Gabe started his lecture and Philip immediately covered his ears.

“We’re–,” he gulped. “Can you please not lecture me on that? I know how to use a condom and I swear we’ll use protection.”

Gabe’s laugh lightened up the mood. “A dad’s concerned. That doesn’t change just because I am only your foster dad.”

Philip stepped closer to him and hugged Gabe swiftly. “Thanks.”

He heard footsteps and turned around. Lukas watched them sleepily. “Why did you let me fall asleep?” he yawned.

There was this tension again, this tension between them that was always there. This elusive feeling of constantly wanting to be near this beautiful boy. He wanted to kiss Philip, again. He always wanted to kiss Philip, to feel his lips pressing against Philip’s lips.

But Gabe was here, so he had to contain himself, had to stay strong, had to convince himself to not just run over there and kiss Philip.

Lukas was drawn to Philip; his whole existence was to be close to him. It was safe to say that this boy was worth giving up every single one of his dreams.

They heard a car approaching the property and everyone turned around to it. Philip bit his lip. Helen. She said he shouldn’t leave his room yet here he was, standing outside the house. He noticed that she wasn’t very pleased about that.

“I asked Philip and Lukas if they could help me with the boat. It’s my back again.”

Philip knew that Gabe crossed a line again with lying about it, that they really were always honest about everything and he knew that it was just his fault and he felt guilty.

Helen nodded. “That’s okay,” she said, smiling as she walked forwards to kiss Gabe.

“I’m sorry I was so harsh earlier.” Helen spoke towards Philip. She didn’t care anymore, about those tapes, about carefully establishing trust. Clearly it hasn’t worked that way so she just walked over to Philip and pulled him into a hug. Philip held his breath, clumsily placing his hands on Helen’s back.

It felt so good. “I’m proud of you,” Helen gushed. Philip looked at her, not knowing how to react so he just gave her his brightest smile in response. That felt even better. He walked towards Lukas, who opened his arms wide open and he cuddled against his chest, feeling the tight hug he was embraced in. He was still looking at Helen.

“I am,” she insisted and Philip laughed against Lukas’s chest, noticing that Lukas laughed as well. Lukas’s laugh vibrated against his ear and yes, if that’s in any way possible, Philip fell in love with Lukas even more.

\---

They spent the rest of the evening at Philip’s place, Gabe cooked some delicious Caldwell specialty and for the first time since Philip was sent here, he felt at peace. With everything that happened since his very first day, this was the day he felt like they were a family, after all. He still missed his mom, though, but for now, Helen and Gabe were the perfect place for him to live.

“Time for bed,” Helen said, sticking her head in Philip’s door. “Are you gonna stay, Lukas?”

Lukas and Philip looked at each other, realizing they hadn’t talked about that yet. “He is,” Philip decided. He knew that both of them would definitely sleep better with the other one at their side.

Helen smiled. “That’s nice. I’m gonna get you a second duvet, then.” They knew that they would probably sleep so close to each other they didn’t need one, but stayed quiet. 

“Thanks, Mrs. Torrance,” Lukas said, politely.

“Helen,” she just answered and left the room.

Lukas rested his head on Philip’s shoulder, closing his eyes slowly.

“I’m scared,” he admitted. He was so scared of going back to school. Sure, he had Rose on his side and Philip, of course, but what about his friends? They probably weren’t that cool about him being gay. 

They got ready for bed and laid down next to each other, Lukas placing his hands over Philip’s chest, pulling him closer. He felt the hotness of Philip’s skin, felt his heart beat.  
In the pale moonlight, he saw Philip’s contours. He propped up on his elbow and watched Philip, his lips slightly opened. Philip fell asleep in an instant and he looked so peaceful, like no harm was ever done to him before, although he lived through a ton of shit.  
Lukas didn’t know how long it took him to fall asleep but as the alarm went off, he felt like he didn’t sleep at all. He cuddled himself nearer to Philip, begging him to not get out of bed. Philip showed no mercy and removed the duvet from Lukas’s body.

“Philip, babe, cold,” Lukas mumbled and Philip grinned. He liked how outspoken Lukas was now. Lukas pouted, eyes still closed.

“Then get out of bed, sleepyhead.” Philip’s good mood was contagious but Lukas still didn’t want to stand up. “Put some clothes on, splash some water on your beautiful face and– do you smell that?” Philip sniffed. “We’re even getting pancakes.”

Lukas rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He stood up, following Philip but not without pulling him close to his body, touching his shoulders slightly, stroking with his thumb. He pressed his lips onto Philip’s. He loved kissing Philip. He loved the softness of Philip’s lips but the harshness of his tongue, pressing against Lukas’s tongue, playing with it. He let out a slight moan, embarrassed what effect that small kiss already had on him.

“Lukas.” Philip breathed heavily against Lukas’s lips. “We really have to get ready, we’re lucky Helen let you stay over.” Lukas sighed, pressing his lips onto Philip’s one last time.

“Yeah okay, you’re right.” He knew this school day would probably be one of his hardest. He knew that everyone would whisper about them, look after them, would call him names. He knew he wasn’t ready for that.

“I don’t know if I get through this day,” Lukas admitted as he was putting on his jeans.

“So you regret it.” Philip sounded disappointed. He didn’t want to be, he knew it would happen eventually. It still hurt him, though. Lukas took one step closer to Philip again, brushing his hair out of his face, gently stroking Philip’s cheek with his thumb.

“I don’t regret any of it.” The shakiness in his voice wasn’t really convincing to Philip but he didn’t want to fight, not now, not when what Lukas did really was a big deal for him. He was sure Lukas still didn’t want to be that guy.

Lukas loved Philip. With every fiber of his very being, Lukas loved him. He didn’t say so, because it still felt weird to him, he still was fighting with his inner demons, with the voices telling him that what he feels isn’t valid, isn’t normal. Deep inside he knew those demons were wrong and he had Philip by his side who would be more than willing to fight them together. 

They still were only half dressed; Philip couldn’t turn his gaze away from Lukas’s abs. “Enjoying the view?” Lukas mocked him and Philip blinked, gulping. 

Gabe knocked against the door, shouted a “Get ready now, boys,” and left again. They both grinned and Philip kissed Lukas for a last time before finally getting ready.

They walked into the kitchen, holding hands. Gabe and Helen smiled at each other, realizing their foster son had really settled down, at least for now. Helen knew it was about time to let him talk to his mother more often, at least if the clinic gave their consent.

“Ready for school?” Helen asked, handing them lunch boxes and Lukas smiled at the small domestic gesture. “Okay, stupid question. Just sit down.”

Lukas had a weird feeling in his stomach, one he couldn’t quite explain. It’s was that he wasn’t part of the family yet he immediately felt like it, felt more home than he did at his own and he wanted to cry because of that, wanted to cry because his relationship with his dad was so fucked up and he wanted to cry because yes, he didn’t disappoint his dad, he was okay with him being gay, but he still felt like one and he knew that this had to change, that they had to talk about their relationship. Maybe he should visit his mother’s grave, he thought absent-mindedly and played with Philip’s fingers, bent them over and Philip’s “Ouch” brought him back to reality, back to this house that so obviously ran on pure honesty and love.

He looked at Philip, maple syrup smeared around his face. He couldn’t suppress a laughter and as if they always did that, he kissed the maple syrup away.

“Lukas, don’t forget that we’re meeting up after school to identify the shooter, right?” Helen reminded him and Lukas nodded, picking at his cereal. “It’ll all be fine. He’s going to jail, I swear.”

Lukas smiled, he wasn’t so sure that they would ever find him and he was scared that if, once he’s officially – and for the FBI, too – an Eyewitness, the shooter will find him.

That person was so cold-blooded– “What if he finds me, and kills me, too? Like he did with Tommy and Tracy? Tommy was just wearing Philip’s jacket–,” his voice cracked and Helen kneeled down next to him.

“Everything is going to be okay, Lukas,” she said, stroking over his thigh. Lukas wasn’t that convinced.

Philip pressed his lips together. “We–we have to get to school.” He stood up, taking his plate to bring it to the kitchen.

“Don’t. I’m gonna clear the table. You two, off to school,” he smiled. With a smile like his, it wasn’t hard to gain trust, Lukas thought and wished his father would smile like that too.

His father had a nice smile, he wasn’t diminishing that, but his smile was also harsh, there was this grief behind it, that you only get when you lost a loved one and Lukas knew how hard it was for his father to lose his mother, how he never really moved on and Lukas was sad about it, because he didn’t really knew his mother and he just wanted his father to be happy, even if that meant being with someone else than his mother.

“Hey, lighten up.” Philip came up to him and tugged him in a hug, as if they always did that. He placed his hands on Philip’s back, stroking his back. Philip’s body always felt like it belonged right there, right in his arms. He kissed Philip’s forehead softly, then they got on his bike to drive to school.

It would be the first time they’d share their relationship open, and if Lukas wasn’t scared shitless about the reactions of his friends, he’d be excited to show off with this amazing guy he had found.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on [sheasbeck](http://sheasbeck.tumblr.com) come talk to me about eyewitness!


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